When I was a sophomore in college, I experienced something pretty incredible.
I was studying for a psychology exam at Starbucks and I happened to be next to a boy who was breaking up with his girlfriend over coffee. He said things like, “I don’t think this is really working out” and “I’m graduating so I won’t be able to see you as much.” I also remember hearing him say in these exact words, “I mean, I like hanging out with you and we can still hang out but I also want to be able to do my own thing.” It was so obvious that the boy just wasn’t into her. It was also obvious that the girl being broken up with didn’t want things to end. She kept trying to hang on to him. She told him that she would be willing to visit him after he graduates. I remember her not being able to talk because she was choking back her tears. I do the same thing when I’m about to cry, so I felt her frustration. But she continued to make suggestions for them to stay together… it was almost as if she was begging him to stay with her.
I don’t even know this girl… we never met before, I don’t know her name, I can’t even tell what her ethnicity is, but I felt a whirlwind of emotions. He was such a coward. She looked so pathetic. And the worst part was, this scene felt so familiar and it bought back memories of when my ex-boyfriend told me that this wasn’t really going anywhere, that he doesn’t think we’re compatible, that he doesn’t have time for me, etc. It made me feel very pathetic and I did not want to be pathetic, like that girl. I closed my textbooks, put my headphones on, and walked out of that Starbucks feeling something stirring inside me.
I don’t really know what I felt that night, I’m not going to type away pretending I know because I really don’t. I can’t describe it perfectly, but if I can give it a shot, I would say I felt some kind of anger. It wasn’t a hateful or spiteful kind of anger, it was the kind of anger that kept me going. Many confuse this emotion for passion but passion is suffering and I was definitely not suffering. I felt so alive. I felt so capable. I felt so attractive, not in a vain sense, but in the sense that I was capable of attracting positive things in my life. I felt that I deserved to have a good life. I felt so invincible because I was aware of my freedom to live the life I wanted and I owned those rights. Nothing could have held me back. No assholes, no negativity, nothing. I was fueled by this graceful fire and it set me free. That semester I declared my major to Psychology, even though my financial advisor warned me not to. I added on a minor in Health & Wellness, and I got my bartending certification. I lost a solid 5 pounds and I ended that semester with a 3.8 GPA. That was just the beginning. From that moment on, opportunities knocked and I continued to attract many wonderful things in my life.
I am not pathetic. I do not deserve to be damaged by a coward. What good is it for a man to look like a man if he isn’t one on the inside? Like my life, I am brilliant and I deserve a wonderful man. This is me taking back my very human right to be loved. And that boy who didn’t see “us” going anywhere, HE WILL SEE ME. Maybe not in person, but he will hear about me and how I’m doing good, and he will not like that. He was someone I dreamed of having a future with but he shattered those dreams by giving up on something we made together. He didn’t have any faith in me; he didn’t think we were capable of growing together. That is heart breaking because I believed in him whole-heartedly. I hung on to him as much as I possibly could, even when times got really bad. Nonetheless, I trust that every event has its purpose. A part of me feels like a failure because I couldn’t achieve that particular dream. But another part of me feels liberated. I feel powerful. I feel like I know what I want. And next time, I will know what to do. I need someone who can endure, someone who never gives up… someone who can shamelessly claim the love he feels for his woman, someone who is a fighter, like me. To me, that is a wonderful man.
- My Journal Entry from March 18, 2013
A mature person does not fall in love, he or she rises in love. Only immature people fall; they stumble and fall down in love. Somehow they were managing and standing. Now they cannot manage and they cannot stand. They were always ready to fall on the ground and to creep. They don’t have the backbone, the spine; they don’t have the integrity to stand alone.
A mature person has the integrity to stand alone. And when a mature person gives love, he or she gives without any strings attached to it. When two mature persons are in love, one of the great paradoxes of life happens, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together and yet tremendously alone. They are together so much that they are almost one. Two mature persons in love help each other to become more free. There is no politics involved, no diplomacy, no effort to dominate. Only freedom and love.
— Osho (via fawun)